Red Riding Hood

Released: 2011
Fantasy, Horror (but laughably not either)
Director: Catherine Hardwicke (who also did Twilight)
Starring: Amanda Seyfried, Lukas Haas, Gary Oldman
Running Time: 100 unnecessary minutes
Rated: PG 13

The breakdown:
This one I'm going to let imdb.com summarize for me: "Set in a medieval village that is haunted by a werewolf, a young girl falls for an orphaned woodcutter, much to her family's displeasure."

So I saw the previews for this movie and thought that the cinematography might be really good.  I wasn't expecting too much of the story and I was disappointed anyways.  The story of course, is crap, it looks like anything that this director does is, but the script was terrible too.  The only bright spot I can mention is that some of the cinematography is beautiful to look at, but it's far too little of the movie.

The main story is that little red riding hood is in love with this guy who's an outsider to her little village.  He's an orphan and her family doesn't like him.  They've arranged for her to marry this rich guy who she doesn't love.  The orphan and red are planning on leaving the village together, but her sister gets killed by a big bad wolf before they can leave.  The villagers have been leaving this wolf an animal sacrifice once a month, but it turns out, the wolf is obviously tired of this "arrangement".  The villagers hire this expert (Gary Oldman) to help them kill the wolf, but he reminds them that this wolf is most likely one of the villagers by day, and a wolf by night.  So no one trusts anyone and if you want to see this piece of garbage film, stop reading here because this is the part where I give everything away........SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So the movie makes you believe that the wolf is very close to red and she believes it to be her secret lover, the orphan.  She goes out to grandmother's house (yes it's in the woods, yes she's wearing the coat and everything, even has some goodies in a basket for her for Christ's sakes.)
and finds her grandmother has been eaten by the wolf, who of course, is pretending to be her grandmother.  It turns out the wolf is her dad and that he killed his own first born daughter because he believed she was not his daughter.  He thinks his wife had an affair and passed off  the child as his own.  He revealed he was a wolf to her and let's say, it didn't go well.  She couldn't accept it, so he ate her.  So now, he's asking his real daughter to become a wolf like him and they can leave town and live happily ever after as two wolves I guess.  She doesn't like this idea either and thinks he's crazy.  He is about to bite her when her secret lover comes in and fights him off.  Her secret lover gets bit in the process and she stabs her father in the stomach with a knife, while her lover whacks him in the back with an axe.  They slice him open and fill his body with rocks, then they dump him in the lake.  By the way, killing her own father and cutting him open does not seem to bother red one little bit.  It's so ridiculous.  She decides to live in her grandmother's old home and he runs off knowing he will try to kill her if he doesn't keep his distance once he changes into a wolf.  Eventually, he comes back and pays her a visit as a wolf.  I guess at some point in the future he can control his wolfishness and they walk along a cold looking snow capped mountaintop together.  The end.

This movie is such a waste of time, I had to fast forward through most of it.  I simply could not waste those 100 minutes on such silliness.  And how could Gary Oldman be in this film?!  This was after he appeared in The Dark Knight!  This is what he wants to do in between great Batman films?

I give this one 1/4 of a stub, my all time lowest rating movie to date.  It's such a waste of time....Don't bother.