Splice
Released 2009
Starring: Adrien Brody, Sarah Polley, and an assorted cast you've never heard of.
Directed by: Vincenzo Natali
Running time: 104 agonizing minutes
This is one of the worst movies I have ever seen, next to Saw, and Quarantine.
I don't want you to waste your time like I did mine so I'll tell you everything.
WARNING: If you still want to see this movie and be surprised at the end, do NOT read this review. I go over the entire movie and tell everything all the way to the end. BUT I'M BEGGING YOU - DO NOT SEE THIS MOVIE - IT SUCKS!!
2 scientists, and I use the word "scientists" loosely because the actors never convinced me that they could be scientists, start tampering with DNA and try to MAKE a new species of animal.
The first creature they make are a pair of slug like, flesh covered, blobs that don't have eyes, mouths, faces, hair, or appendages of any kind. They are disgusting, but have cute names like Fred and Ginger!
Anyway, the company that funds their "work" tells them they need to start working on some new protein so they can make mad mad money off of it. The "scientists" say they are interested in working with human DNA to make cures for cancer and other deadly diseases. The company says no, do as we say or else you're shut down.
The pair get upset and decide to do a secret experiment with human DNA and a little of the slug things to see what happens.
Well, they are successful, but the creature grows fast. Pretty soon they have a baby pop out of this rubber womb in their lab and they start to raise it. Brody expressed concern that they should stop, but his girlfriend, the other scientist, really wants to keep it. So they do.
It grows into a child/animal thing. Humanoid shape with no hair anywhere, arms kind of, with 4 fingered hands, and 2 legs more like a chicken or ostrich, oh and a poisonous tail.
She skewers a cat and that's how you find out she has a mean streak. She doesn't speak, she does understand English though and she can spell things out with her scrabble board.
The company wants to meet with the scientists to see their progress. The company is glad the blobs are doing well and they decide to go public to their shareholders.
At this big announcement, the scientists bring their 2 blobs on stage so they can mate in front of everyone.
Well, instead of mating, they shoot out their stingers and kill each other with lots of blood and gore, spraying all the shareholders.
The scientists say that one of them changed sex, turning male from female and they didn't know how THAT happened.
Unbeknownst to everyone else, the little child/animal/wrong thing is growing into a nice young lady at the home of the scientists. I guess, they live at the facility they work at somehow? The couple decides to move little miss bald girl to an abandoned family farm on the outskirts of town. At this point they have learned that she likes to wear clothes, put on make up, breathe underwater, pet kitty cats, and eat candy. Oh, she also has some sort of lizard webbed spikes and wings that come out when she wants them too.
Brody finds out that when the thing was created the woman scientist used her own egg for fertilization. She loves it. Brody has wanted to kill it off and on again, but doesn't for some reason.
One night Brody goes out to check on her after fighting with his girlfriend and ends up having sex with it. Yes, I said they have sex. Even though he's played a surrogate father to this creature and it has part of his girlfriends DNA in it and it's not totally human, he had sex with it. How hard up do you have to be?
Anyway, cue the girl. She walks in on them as the quasi-human is about to puncture him with her tail. She's hurt and confused (the girlfriend). They fight back at their new apartment and realize they are both really messed up.
The woman goes to the farm and almost gets killed by the stinger of this humanoid thing and she decides it's best to cut off part of her tail and remove all things that are human possessions like a necklace, clothes, and the pet cat.
Eventually, they decide they need to kill it before it escapes and kills someone. They go to do that when it seems like she has died of old age. Remember she ages really fast.
They bury her in the ground and are going to burn all the evidence when they are rudely interrupted. Brody's brother, I know I didn't mention him, but it really didn't matter much. Anyway, the brother spilled the beans to the boss that they were up to something and that he was the only one outside the couple to have seen the thing and almost got killed by it. I know I didn't tell you about that scene, but it still really doesn't matter because this movie is just so bad.
The boss wants to see it and when he threatens the couple, you see the winged thing come and fly off with him. Next thing you know, he's dead in a tree. Then little miss sunshine swoops down on the brother and takes off with him too. Brody and the woman run off into the forest to find his brother and the humanoid, but then Brody drops his flashlight into the river and has to reach down to get it.
The humanoid pops up and grabs him dragging him under the water.
He comes to the surface and it's winter outside so he's just laying there freezing while the woman looks helpless.
I guess she gets scared and just leaves Brody there to die while running away back towards the farm.
BUT the winged thing we discover has changed into a man humanoid like the blobs did and he's now attacking his "mother?"
She asks it what does it want and he can speak two gravely words, "inside you." Uckkkk
Is anyone else ready to vomit? Man this movie is so all kinds of wrong. So anyway, he starts raping her and then we see Brody come up behind them and he puts a steak/pole through it's midsection. It turns to him and stingers him to death. Then mommy gets a rock and finally kills with it with whacks on the head.
So, cut to darkness.
Last scene opens with the head of the company funding the scientists speaking to just the woman, of course, since Brody died.....and she is signing paperwork being told she can never speak of this to anyone, ever.
She stands up and we see the female scientist is pregnant.
Thankfully that movie is over.
So, I understand what this movie was supposed to be about. It was supposed to be a modern take on Frankenstein. It was supposed to say, don't mess with mother nature, scientists, don't do weird experiments on humans and animals, don't play God. I understand that statement, but the way they went about it, was completely horribly wrong in so many un-entertaining ways.
The main characters had no chemistry, they were not believable as a couple, nor as the people they were supposed to be portraying. The writing was weak, the story was boring, the storyline itself is revolting. I want to be entertained, not sick to my stomach, and not saying to myself wow, can this movie get any worse?
If you like movies, or horror stories, or Adrien Brody, don't see this movie. Even HE can't save it.
I give it my worst possible rating:
0 out of 5 possible ticket stubs because there is nothing entertaining about genetically-engineered humanoid incest.
By the way, if you've already seen this movie and liked it; I would really be interested in hearing how anyone could enjoy this film. Please leave me a comment.
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