Burlesque

Released: 2010
Starring: Cher, Christina Aguilera, Stanley Tucci, Kristen Bell, Alan Cumming, Eric Dane
Directed by: Steve Antin
Running time: 119 minutes

Wow!  This movie is no good.  So very laughably bad.

I love burlesque - the artform, I really do.  I love the visuals, outfits, the girls, the sex, the sound, the look, but this movie is just a huge waste of time if you like actual burlesque.  I actually fast forwarded through all the musical/dance numbers because they just weren't good or interesting to watch.  Perhaps a better name for the movie would've been, Dive Bar with Pretty Girls Dancing on Occasion.

Short version:
Aguilera is a small town girl with no family.  She's sick of waitressing at the local bar and leaves on a bus to L.A.  (cliche!)

There she finds a burlesque club that's struggling owned by Cher, of course, who sings occasionally.  Cher by the way is starting to mold.  Her plastic surgery and make up might cover some aging, but her eyes have collapsed into their sockets telling everyone her true age.  No amount of shinny eye shadow is going to fix those caverns honey!

Anyway, Aguilera works her way up from waitress, to dancer, to singer, and is the talk of the town.
Cher still cannot save her club until Aguilera tells her a real estate secret at the end.

Oh, yeah, there's supposed to be a romance between a buff guy and Aguilera but it fizzles at the start.  Nothing interesting there.  In fact, I was more interested in the gay one night stand that Stanley Tucci had with a DJ at a wedding.  Tucci picks up where he left off in The Devil Wears Prada with another fashion obsessed man who's gay.   His one night stand wasn't a big part of the movie, but that's how bad the movie was.  Aguilera ends up with the guy, not that you care.  Cher gets her club at the end, not that we care.  Alan Cumming floats around in just a couple scenes with no real reason for his character at all.  I adore him, I really like his acting, but I'm not sure why he was in this movie.  Did he own someone a favor?  Lose a bet, perhaps?  There was also this weird scene with Aguilera looking like an old Taylor Swift.  Her dress was GORGEOUS! But her styling was just weird.  I know they didn't have enough plot because they just kept sticking song and dance numbers in over and over and over again.  I know, it's a musical, but when the music isn't any good and the dancing isn't really interesting then what are you really left with?  A long movie with a skeleton of a plot with bad music all over the place.

Now, Aguilera isn't a terrible actress.  She certainly has a long way to go.  She needs a mentor and a lot of practice to get better, but she didn't totally suck her first time out.

Stanley Tucci was good, as was Eric Dane, but they weren't the whole movie.  The sets, costumes, wigs, and makeup were flashy, but you can't make a movie out of just that.

I think somewhere the screenwriter/director, producer, or both, were trying to make their own Moulin Rouge, but this movie is nowhere near as good as that was.

1 out of 5 ticket stubs for wigs, costumes, make up, and those sexy white Christian LouBoutin's that make a cameo.


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