I like movies. I like being able to escape into someone else's world filled with their problems and forget about mine, movies are magical that way. But nowadays, movies are so expensive, and I wouldn't want my friends to be spending their hard earned money on movies that are a huge waste of time. So I've put together a list of movies that have made me want to sit in a closed garage with my car running, yes, they are that bad. In no particular order please don't see these movies:
1. Splice -
I have covered how terrible this movie was in one of my movie reviews. This movie basically took the Frankenstein idea and made it incredibly unentertaining, sickening, and worthless. It's not scary, it's not intelligent, it's not meaningful. I think it was made purely for money and greed. If I summed up the movie in one phrase it would still be: bio-engineered incest.
2. Supernova -
Useless. Should be titled Supercrap. A boring plot, cardboard characters, and a horror movie so scary your fearful 10 year old would sleep through it. A movie made, most likely, at the last minute to try and compete with other space emergency, alien take over successful movies at other studios.
3. Quarantine -
A movie so bad, I think a high school theater company could've done it better. Most of the movie is in "night vision" or in very low light levels. This movie is a shot-for-shot remake of a popular Spanish movie called REC. A terrible actress portrays a reporter who gets called to a building with a fire crew just documenting what it's like to be a fire fighter. Of course, the building is quarantined with some sort of zombie illness infecting one person at a time. Unfortunately, you have to wait until the end to see that the reporter dies too. I wish the whole movie was shorter, as in 0:00 minutes.
4. What Dreams May Come -
A movie that changes the original book by Richard Matheson of the same name so bad that the author didn't like it. The plot of the movie involves an entire family dying over a period of time. The 2 kids die first in a car accident, then the father dies in a car accident, then the wife commits suicide. The man goes to heaven, while the woman goes to hell. The man leaves heaven in search of his wife to bring her back to heaven. I've not read the book, but I wouldn't mind it. I know the story is supposed to be about how strong true love can be, but this movie was terrible. It won an Oscar for visual effects, which I can understand. It was visually interesting to look at, but it's such a downer. Some movies can be wonderful even if someone dies at the end, or there is no happy ending, yes, but this film was boring for me. It lacked emotion and character development. Convoluted is my favorite way to describe this movie along with depressing in the worst way.
5. Mr. Wrong -
Stinker! A woman falls in love with a stalker and can't get rid of him. This is one of the movies I wanted to walk out of the theater on. It was so bad, people around me were moaning audibly. It was supposed to be a comedy, maybe dark comedy, but failed on all attempts. Painful to sit through and awkward, it just didn't get off to the right start. This project should've been canned as soon as the idea came into somebody's head.
6. Inglourious Basterds -
Where do I start? Tarantino said to the press that there was a reason he spelled the title the way that he did, but he wouldn't tell anyone why. Maybe to drum up interest is my guess. This movie takes a horrific time in history and fictionalizes just about everything in the film. It was true there was a Nazi invasion, there was a Hitler, there was a WWII, there was a Holocaust....that's about the facts. There are long drawn out, painful to watch, scenes with lots of dialogue that don't go anywhere and don't further the story peppered throughout. There are characters you don't care about. And for some ridiculous reason there are subtitles where the actor is saying something in a foreign language and the subtitle says the same thing in the SAME language, not english, but only on certain words like chow, merci, etc. It's a terrible movie for making as much money as it did and being nominated for multiple Oscars. Brad Pitt did a terrible southern accent. I'm not sure from what state he's supposed to be representing because his accent doesn't exist, unless it's a mix of California and some undefined state (it's so bad, it's distracting and embarrassing). Do not waste your time. Watch The Pianist for a true Nazi story that's a 1,000 times better than this garbage.
7. Solaris -
There are a lot of versions of this story. This movie I'm referring to is the 2002 Steven Soderbergh version. Convoluted is something that describes this movie well. Convoluted is a common thread that you will see in this list. Convoluted should never be a phrase to describe a good movie. If a movie is complex, that's cool, I can take time to try to understand it. Confusing, maybe sometimes, you need an additional viewing to understand all the little details, but convoluted is not tolerated by me. It means the director didn't even know what their goal was, or what they are doing, or what the story is supposed to be about. This movie is based on a novel which also inspired a film in 1972 that was critically acclaimed. I have not read the book or seen that movie, so those forms might be much better. What I was first disappointed with was the fact that the previews for this movie lead me to believe it was a love story with a sci-fi setting. It ended up being a bad, boring, convoluted attempt at a space psychological thriller with a love story in the very back burner. A clinical psychologist goes to a space station to try to help one of his friends who says the crew are in trouble. When he gets there he realizes most of the crew are dead or disappeared and the survivors are not really telling him what's going on. He's confused and alone, but while sleeping he dreams of his dead wife. She comes to life on the station and he realizes she's a copy made from some entity on the space station and gets rid of the copy. This happens several more times and he has to make a decision at the end to be ok with a copy, or realize he might be a copy for someone else in the final scene. See, the movie's so strange I can't even make an acceptable synopsis. Yes, it sounds interesting from a far, but don't see this version. At the end of the movie, I was mad it wasn't a love story, and mad that it had no point. There are only a few movies I can remember where, at the end, I'm saying to myself, this movie was pointless. Absolutely pointless. This is one of them. Do not see it. If you want to see a good space movie that makes you think about copies of people in space, watch a little known movie called "Moon" instead.
8. Big Fish -
Another pointless movie. Oh, so bad, and I like Ewan McGregor too! This is such a stupid movie. I absolutely hated it. A boy hears his father tell tall tales his whole life and knows none of the stories are true and he figures out he can't trust his dad. The relationship falls by the wayside until his father is on his deathbed and the boy, now a married man with his wife pregnant, travel to his side to reconnect. The father starts telling the same ridiculous stories and the son wants to know the truth this time. The father has a stroke and then can no longer speak. He wants the son to finish his story and tell him how it all ends. The son makes up a story and the father passes away happily. At the funeral, the son meets all of his fathers friends that he spoke of in the crazy stories and realizes the stories were all true, his father just exaggerated a little bit. This movie was visually interesting, but sometimes I think they use special effects to distract the audience from the point that there is no good plot in this movie. Ewan McGregor was hot and I loved looking at him, but this movie was still terrible. I've only seen it once and couldn't bear to see it again. If you like pointless, absurd plots with characters that are flat 2-dimensional beings, go ahead and torture yourself for 2 hours with a viewing of this.
9. Natural Born Killers -
I know the director was trying to make a statement here about how the media glorifies mass murders and the public loves reading about them, but this movie was crap. It's filled with graphic violence, lots of unnecessary profanity, and these stupid moments of color-filled collage flashes that are meaningless. I hated this movie because it took an obvious shock-value in your face approach. There is a beauty in subtlety. I think there could have been a lot of different ways to show how the public is obsessed with killers or mass murders. I don't mind some graphic violence, or some profanity, but I don't want a whole movie made out of that just to have it in there.
10. Showgirls -
So yes, the focus for this movie was all the sex and rated NC-17 gossip surrounding it. I had heard it was bad, so I wanted to see how bad. I saw the scaled down rated R version and I'm pretty sure I wasn't missing anything. Elizabeth Berkley was such a poor actress that she couldn't convince me she was actually eating a hamburger in one scene. A girl hitchhikes her way to Las Vegas and gets robbed by the guy who picked her up. She finds a nice girl who takes her in and she becomes a stripper at a local club to make money quick. Her friend introduces her to her co-workers who are showgirls and Berkley wants to be one in the worst way. She does everything and anything to prove she can do it and eventually sleeps and back stabs her way to the top. Berkley's friend (the only character you actually like) gets gang raped at a party that Berkley invited her to. The producers she works for offer them both money for not going to the police and keeping it quiet, since the guy involved in the rape was a big star of theirs. Berkley gets revenge for her friends attack by beating the crap out of this guy and stabbing him, and ends up hitchhiking out of town with the same guy that dropped her in Vegas in the beginning. She attacks him too on the way out of town. A terrible movie, even if you like watching bi-sexual girls flirt and kiss each other or movie sex. I was watching mainly to see how bad it was and if there were any interesting show girl scenes. Turns out there wasn't. A true waste of time, with terrible acting, horrible lines, bad plot, and a cast of crappy characters.
As a footnote, I would like to mention a few movies that I almost named instead. These are pretty close to the worst movies I have ever seen.....
Howard the Duck
Valentine's Day
Twilight
Catwoman
Mars Attacks
Batman and Robin
Austin Powers - any of them
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